Confusions

I haven't seen nor barely spoken to my beneficial man since New Year's. Since then, I've occasionally slept with a friend of his. THIS has messed with my head. When I first decided that I was ready to date again, he was the only guy I could think of whom I felt I could trust. Then, I find a great guy that I should really wait for and THEN older crush comes around. I don't really know how to handle it. At this point, I'm renouncing both of them and seeing if either them become important in my life. It's really difficult because I want one of them to make the decision for me by saying "You will be my girlfriend." Since neither of them will do that, if ever, I'm just gonna do whatever I want. Be impulsive? I already have been. Why stop now?

I've been beating myself up a lot over the whole thing for quite some time now and I figured out why it's so hard for me to understand my feelings. The fact of the matter is that one guy would be the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I might not be for him. He would be good for me, in general. The other guy needs me more than I need him. He isn't really good for me because of his lifestyle, but I like his personality (We have TONS in common) and I like knowing that being with me would change his life. I want to be needed. I don't need to be wanted. You know?

I expect it will all fall into place at some point. I'm just gonna let it do what's it gonna do.