A real epiphany

I was in bed last night thinking about the possibility of being with someone. What would it be like? I've had one relationship in my life. I was thinking about how I feel about just being intimate with someone again when it occurred to me that I have some serious trust issues, not unlike a rape victim. Am I equating myself to a rape victim? Yes and no. My ex-boyfriend did something to me emotionally that would be expected of someone who was forced to have sex against his or her will. There are even a few times that it could be argued that he did rape me, which is a very difficult thought, but it's true. I could never imagine ever having been violated in a violent way, but I can empathize with being violated. This sudden thought about my past nearly made me hysterical. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how it's not fair that I have ended up so emotionally screwed up, completely alone and afraid to trust anyone to even give me a hug, and him off about to get married, graduated from college with honors and having material possessions showered on him like never before. I came out of it a self-mutilating bulimic drunk and college dropout. He went on and was okay. It isn't fair. It never will be. I think what I must do is continue forward with my life. It's really, really hard. I've been repressing these feelings for a long time, but it's a good thing that I'm acknowledging that they exist because now I can deal with them properly. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the affect he's had on me and I hope one day I can forget he even exists because he's not worth the space in my mind.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany the other day.

I need a boyfriend.

This doesn't seem like a great mind-blowing realization, but for me it's a big deal. After my last boyfriend, I decided I didn't want to date for a while. It turned out that that feeling lingered for a really long time. One time I thought it possible for us to get back together. I just thank whatever ethereal beings were responsible every day that it didn't. I haven't wanted to date for a couple of years, mostly because that relationship sucked so bad that I haven't wanted to bother with it. I was babysitting my boyfriend. He wouldn't leave me alone. Ever. So, I swore off having a relationship or even a date with anyone for the past 2 and a half years. I have falsely lumped all men in the "needy jerk" category.

Now, I'm on the prowl. Actually, I'm passively scouring the men around me to see if any of them are worthy. So far, none of them really are, but there's one that would be an interesting adventure...

Help Save the People of the Congo

Park rangers who have spent their lives defending the wildlife of Virunga National Park are in grave danger. Their families are in refugee camps. The people there risk disease. Please help by donating or spreading awareness of this cause.

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My only blog regarding politics

I've had a few people tell me recently that voting for a third party is throwing my vote away. Sorry. Don't see it that way. I'm not going to change my opinion on whom would best run the country based on the status quo. This country is not a two-party system. This country has lots of different political parties and two just happen to overwhelm all of the other ones. I think it's irresponsible and hateful to tell someone that their opinion is wrong and to vote for one of the major parties even if they don't believe in the principles of either one "for the greater good." Where does it stop? Will there be a point that only the two big parties exist? And then what? Will they slowly merge together to become one party? Will we then only have one ideology governing the nation?

Not cool. Definitely not cool.

Losing while winning

I'm doing even better than I was in August. My life is slowly but surely finding some balance.

I actively started watching what I eat lately and trying to lose weight. I have a feeling the first 15 pounds will be easy because I like healthy foods and keeping a good schedule of meal times. I'm not as addicted to food as some people want to believe I am. Mostly my family thinks that. My friends have, in the past, worried about me not eating enough. When I'm not at home I don't eat a terrible amount and when I do, it isn't junk food. It's funny that when I'm away from my family, I'm healthy and sober. Losing weight has also been easy because I'm rarely home and I rarely deal with them. They spend all of their time judging others. It ultimately turns toward me and that negative energy isn't healthy. It's almost killed me in the past. I just do my best to ignore it.

Progress

I think I've finally made it to a level of consciousness that I am comfortable having. I haven't had a true moment of depression for some months now. I'm sober. I'm still insanely fat, but it doesn't bother me because I've been eating better. I have a good plan for my future and I know the general direction I'm flowing in. I feel like I can handle any and all forks in the road and I'll burn whatever bridges I need to when I come to them. :)

But life is full of ups and downs. When it descends again, can I bring myself back up? We'll see. I won't quit blogging and I'm sure there are still many koans to come, but none so heavy as the last few months.

Hooray.

Odes 1.11

Carpe diem. These two non-English words have lost their meaning to most people. Well, there are people out there who probably say it on a daily basis and those are the people I mean. They don't appreciate the idea of "seizing the day" as much as they should. I used to be one of them. A moment ago I said these two little words to myself and suddenly something made sense. It's that epiphanic feeling in your chest. I don't know what it means, but it must mean something. It could be the apex of much thought about my future. I have a plan and yet I have none. It's exactly what I want right now. I know what I need to do and I know that there is nothing I can do about the timeline in which it must happen. I just need to live it.

These blogs are monotonous, but they seem to be helping me open my eyes a little bit at a time. Each one expresses progress, even if the reader can't spot it.

Leuconoe, don't ask — it's a sin to know —
what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian
fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be.
Whether Jupiter has allotted to you many more winters or this final one
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite
— be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have fled
Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.

Shoyoroku - Case 71: Suigan's "Eyebrows"

There is a general theme of my life right now. I think it's because I have yet to master the practice past the idea, but am well on my way. It is personal responsibility. It's a simple idea, but difficult in practice sometimes. It is heavily influenced by choices we make on a daily basis and directly related to ego. How do we balance our ego with virtue? How does one act toward self preservation and not be snobby, vain, or selfish? Of course, it could be argued that these ideas are not inclusive of each. But the fact that we have to be responsible for ourselves and our actions still remains. I'm realizing that it is, to be cliché, a journey and not a destination. All of life is. Everything is a process. If there is an epiphany it's because you were oblivious to the process.

Anyway, on my front, I've decided to change my concentration from Anthropology and Art History to Art History and Public Administration with a minor in Anthropology. It's a big step for me because it means that I'm finally making a basic, broad career decision that I am comfortable with. The idea of it isn't what I like, I know that I would actually enjoy doing it and that's what matters. I'm very academic, but I love business and being bossy. Combining my love for the arts with my love for business is just perfect.

It's a new chapter in my life. It feels good.

Towards the end of summer, Suigan instructed the assembly, saying,
 "All summer I've preached to you, my brothers. Look here, are Suigan's
  eyebrows still there?"
Hofuku said,
 "The robber's heart is terrified!"
Chokei said,
 "They are well grown!"
Unmon said,
 "Barrier!"

Shoyoroku - Case 45: Four Phrases from the Engaku Sutra

As I am always in search of further self-awareness, I somehow came across a questionnaire on Oprah.com. It's called "What's Next For You?" Here are my answers:

1. How have my parent's expectations affected my choices?
Often hindered me from doing what I knew in my heart was right for me.

2. What are my assumptions about money?
It buys stuff, but is also a gateway to great influence and power to help others.

3. With whom should I surround myself?
Passionate, ambitious, sober folk.

4. How much power does my environment have over me?
A LOT. The energy it holds can make me emotional!

5. How have I been trapped by success?
Any success that I've had has come with certain expectations that I feel I am not able to
live up to.

6. Am I willing to spend years before letting my dream manifest itself?
I've spent years with nothing to look forward to, so I think I can live with hope for a few
years.

7. What assumptions did I make when I was young about what I'm good at or not good at?
I assumed that I was good at science because I (i.e. my family) wanted to be a doctor.

8. Am I afraid of looking inward?
Never. It's the only way I can grow and realize where I'm going.

9. Am I willing to spend years looking for an answer?
I have been and I will keep searching.

10. What am I naturally curious about?
People.

The Engaku Sutra says:
"At all times, you do not raise the delusive mind.
 When there are all kinds of illusory thoughts, you do not extinguish them.
 Dwelling in the delusory state of mind, you do not add understanding.
 Where there is no understanding, you do not distinguish the truth."

Stay attuned

No news is good news. Or lack thereof.

Shoyoroku - Case 21: Ungan Sweeps the Ground

The month of May saw a promotion and a raise at work. I'm possibly the only person in the United States who actually moved up in their company this year. The raise wasn't much, but the promotion from Clerical Assistant to Secretary makes all the difference. Instead of being hourly, I am now salary. This means that instead of random amounts of money staggered throughout, I receive one large paycheck at the end of the month. The last day of May was amazing because I paid all of my bills and had a ton of money left over that I can definitely stretch until July. I took a day trip to a theme park with a friend and I'm going to a music festival this month, which would normally stretch my budget thinner than a supermodel, but I'll have done all of that this month and still have about 40 dollars per week extra on average.

To most people, the money I make is not enough for them. Sure, they can manage, but they want more. I'll do fine. It's actually possible for me to save 200-300 dollars per month. With it, I will be able to give more back to the society that I've taken so much from.

It brings me joy and I am absolutely grateful for my current situation.

When Ungan was sweeping the ground, Dogo said,
"You are having a hard time!"
Ungan said,
"You should know there is one who doesn't have a hard time."
Dogo said,
"If that's true, you mean there is a second moon?"
Ungan held up his broom and said,
"What number of moon is this?"
Dogo was silent.
Gensha said,
"That is precisely the second moon."
Unmon said,
"The servant greets the maid politely."

Shoyoroku - Case 20: Jizo's "Most Intimate"

I've been alcohol free for over a week now.

My mind has played many tricks on me, but I have not succumbed to my "need" for a drink.

In this time I've been "planning" my future. I say "planning" because I can't see said future and, therefore, can't make an accurate prediction of how things will be. Instead, I've been laying out little goals for myself in order to achieve a larger goal. The larger goal is still somewhat vague, as it should be.

My goal is go to grad school. Where? I don't know? For what? Can't tell you for sure. When? That's an even bigger mystery. But I'm going to do it. I just don't know the details yet.

I want to travel more. I've taking little impromptu trips here and there recently. I'm taking one on Saturday. I almost bought a plane ticket yesterday. However, my better judgment kicked in as I am not made of money.

The point is that I'm engaging myself in the journey of this life and not sitting on my ass completely oblivious to it. I'm taking risks and it isn't so bad.

Jizo asked Hogen,
"Where are you going, senior monk?"
Hogen said,
"I am on pilgrimage, following the wind."
Jizo said,
"What are you on pilgrimage for?"
Hogen said,
"I don't know."
Jizo said,
"Non knowing is most intimate."
Hogen suddenly attained great enlightenment.

Shoyoroku - Case 82: Unmon's: "Voice" and "Color"

I've been planning an unbirthday party for myself these past few weeks. As a twenty-something living in a college town, I have never been drunk on my birthday. I've had a few drinks, even managed to have some fun here and there, but never had the experience of having someone carry me home from the bar. This is mostly because my birthday is mere days before Christmas and no one is ever around to help me celebrate. Because of this, I decided that I would invite all of my friends along with me sometime in July for a night of selfish and unhealthy debauchery. But that was before I did just that on Saturday night. It was this night that I decided to never drink again. Yes, we all say that after getting too drunk, but my entire body told me what my mind was already wise to: I'm slowly killing myself with alcohol. Any alcohol that was left in the house I got rid of. I won't be buying it anymore.

Unmon instructed the assembly and said,
"'To realize the way through hearing a voice, to enlighten the mind through
seeing color' -- Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara comes with some small change
and buys poor rice cakes. If he throws it away, he will get nice manju
cakes instead."

Shoyoroku - Case 67: The Wisdom in the Kegon Sutra

I started setting goals. This is a magnificent improvement from someone who wouldn't promise anyone anything more than two days in advance mere months ago.

My first goal is to pay off my tuition so I can go back to school. Once in school I have the remaining years of my undergrad program mapped out, along with what extracurricular activities I need so that when I apply to the five schools in the country that actually have my grad program, I'll feel confident that someone will accept me. This right now is my primary goal in life.

But how is it possible to achieve this goal in the mental state that I am in? Before I can do anything, I need to step outside of my comfort zone and get healthy. I am a bulimic alcoholic. These two diseases are beginning to define my life. If I ever want to move forward with my life and realize my ambitions, then I have to rid my mind of the delusions that have been holding me back for much too much of my existence.

This week I will tell myself every day that my body deserves better than what I put it through. I will not poison it in the search for the answers that I seek.


The Kegon Sutra says,
"Now I see all living beings everywhere, and I see that each of them
possesses the wisdom and virtue of Tathagata. But because of their
delusions and attachments, they cannot realize it."

A new day, a new life

I am entering a new stage in my life. I feel as though I have been asleep and am now awakening.

I created this blog to document the changes in my life that have been ever increasing in just the last year, but ever more so in the last month. Changes are ongoing, so will be this blog. My self-awareness is evolving and, hopefully, so will this blog with it.

The basic breakdown is that I am and have been a lost soul consumed by addictions and governed by delusions. I have died a thousand deaths and am finally ready to be reborn.

I spent time in my life thinking that I was enlightened in a non-Buddhist sense. I wasn't. I never will be, but I will continue on my journey to attain what enlightenment I can in this life. And you better believe I'll be blogging about it.

If you believe you are enlightened, you are actually a little bit crazy.
Taisen Deshimaru