Week 1: Allergies and Nerves

Last month, I made a calendar to map out my marathon training. I knew I would start in July, but I also knew that I would be moving in July and would need a few weeks to get settled in. I'm still not settled in, but this is the week that I scheduled myself to start. I will not stray from that plan because I do not want to develop any bad habits. However, since the move, my allergies have been the worst they've been in years. I can barely breathe most of the time. I'm going to the doctor today to see if I can get this fixed. I woke up in the middle of the night last night scratching like crazy and I haven't done that since I was in high school seven years ago. It's kind of a big deal.

My plan for the first few weeks is to walk 20 minutes per day. I have this down for four days per week, but I may do more. I'm in good enough shape to walk quite a bit. Luckily, I moved into a townhouse, so I also have stairs to keep challenged me everyday.

On an emotional level, I got really nervous about this whole thing today. I don't know why. I suppose it's the pressure I'm putting on myself to actually do it. I don't believe in doing things "one day at a time" but I may need to make an exception. It's scary to think that if I stick to my schedule, by New Year's I will be running miles a day. I just need to concentrate on what I have planned for today and maybe once I get into it, I can look into the future and it won't be so scary.

A New Beginning

I am going to start marathon training in July. My goal is to run the NYC Marathon in 2010. I have to apply by next May and I want to at least be on the right track to be in shape for it should be application be accepted. If all goes well, I might even try to get myself a fancy qualifying time in another marathon so I can be automatically accepted.

This idea occurred to me as a fundraising opportunity. It has, however, evolved into more of a spiritual opportunity. This will pretty much change my life. All of my routines and habits will change as well as my body. It is safe to say that I will lose at least 60 pounds in this process. Maybe a lot more. That part is really scary to think about, but it isn't at the same time. I'm sort of a strange person. I've always had a penchant for aiming high and achieving low, mostly because of my fear of change or truly stepping outside of my comfort zone. Many people viewed this as laziness, but laziness isn't as simple as it might appear. In the past year, I've have begun to aim high with every intention of acheiving my goals. I want to do this and I will do this. I can feel my fear of the unknown transforming into a curiosity.

The only thing I'm worried about is nutrition. I have a hard time eating a lot with my normal activity levels, but I'm hoping that this will make me eat and help me develop better eating habits. I honestly eat fairly healthy, but I don't eat enough calories. Even though I'm fairly sedentary, it still isn't good to only eat around 700 calories per day.

I will probably use this blogspace to journal my training as I expect many trials to accompany it.

Confusions

I haven't seen nor barely spoken to my beneficial man since New Year's. Since then, I've occasionally slept with a friend of his. THIS has messed with my head. When I first decided that I was ready to date again, he was the only guy I could think of whom I felt I could trust. Then, I find a great guy that I should really wait for and THEN older crush comes around. I don't really know how to handle it. At this point, I'm renouncing both of them and seeing if either them become important in my life. It's really difficult because I want one of them to make the decision for me by saying "You will be my girlfriend." Since neither of them will do that, if ever, I'm just gonna do whatever I want. Be impulsive? I already have been. Why stop now?

I've been beating myself up a lot over the whole thing for quite some time now and I figured out why it's so hard for me to understand my feelings. The fact of the matter is that one guy would be the best thing that has ever happened to me, but I might not be for him. He would be good for me, in general. The other guy needs me more than I need him. He isn't really good for me because of his lifestyle, but I like his personality (We have TONS in common) and I like knowing that being with me would change his life. I want to be needed. I don't need to be wanted. You know?

I expect it will all fall into place at some point. I'm just gonna let it do what's it gonna do.

Changes and liberations

I'm taking a class this semester on cultural resource management. If I like it or at least find it interesting, then I will go to law school after I graduate. I know I'm putting a lot of pressure on myself and the subject matter, but it's a post-grad idea that makes sense to me. The idea of doing it seems fulfilling to me somehow. Let's hope the actual follow-through feels the same.

***

I have a friend with benefits. It's been a little over a week since we came to this and I want to end it. It's messed with my head in a dangerous way. On another vein, I want to just get my head out of my ass and enjoy knowing that someone out there likes me for who I am and then still wants to have sex with me. If he weren't good-looking and successful, then it wouldn't be such a problem. I'm notorious for attracting drunk losers and he is neither of those things. It's kind of scary for me because I never learned how to cultivate certain kinds of relationships in a healthy way. Sexual relationships doubly so. Every guy that has ever been attracted to me ALWAYS took advantage of me. Every single one. This guy respects me. I don't know how to handle it. A part of me wants to be that psycho girl who latches on for dear life, but a part of me is just, like, 'chill out.' I'm trying to convince myself that this thing we have doesn't have to work out because it's probably the beginning of new trend of mature men finding me attractive. Maybe I'm finally starting to see the end of a long line of childish assholes.

***

If I receive financial aid for school in the fall, it's entirely possible for me to be debt free by the end of the year. If I do not, then I can be debt free by the beginning of the fall semester next year. I can't even describe how amazing this is for me. I've been struggling for so many years and now I finally see that glimmer I've been waiting for. It's magical!

A real epiphany

I was in bed last night thinking about the possibility of being with someone. What would it be like? I've had one relationship in my life. I was thinking about how I feel about just being intimate with someone again when it occurred to me that I have some serious trust issues, not unlike a rape victim. Am I equating myself to a rape victim? Yes and no. My ex-boyfriend did something to me emotionally that would be expected of someone who was forced to have sex against his or her will. There are even a few times that it could be argued that he did rape me, which is a very difficult thought, but it's true. I could never imagine ever having been violated in a violent way, but I can empathize with being violated. This sudden thought about my past nearly made me hysterical. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how it's not fair that I have ended up so emotionally screwed up, completely alone and afraid to trust anyone to even give me a hug, and him off about to get married, graduated from college with honors and having material possessions showered on him like never before. I came out of it a self-mutilating bulimic drunk and college dropout. He went on and was okay. It isn't fair. It never will be. I think what I must do is continue forward with my life. It's really, really hard. I've been repressing these feelings for a long time, but it's a good thing that I'm acknowledging that they exist because now I can deal with them properly. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the affect he's had on me and I hope one day I can forget he even exists because he's not worth the space in my mind.

Epiphany

I had an epiphany the other day.

I need a boyfriend.

This doesn't seem like a great mind-blowing realization, but for me it's a big deal. After my last boyfriend, I decided I didn't want to date for a while. It turned out that that feeling lingered for a really long time. One time I thought it possible for us to get back together. I just thank whatever ethereal beings were responsible every day that it didn't. I haven't wanted to date for a couple of years, mostly because that relationship sucked so bad that I haven't wanted to bother with it. I was babysitting my boyfriend. He wouldn't leave me alone. Ever. So, I swore off having a relationship or even a date with anyone for the past 2 and a half years. I have falsely lumped all men in the "needy jerk" category.

Now, I'm on the prowl. Actually, I'm passively scouring the men around me to see if any of them are worthy. So far, none of them really are, but there's one that would be an interesting adventure...

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