Progress

I think I've finally made it to a level of consciousness that I am comfortable having. I haven't had a true moment of depression for some months now. I'm sober. I'm still insanely fat, but it doesn't bother me because I've been eating better. I have a good plan for my future and I know the general direction I'm flowing in. I feel like I can handle any and all forks in the road and I'll burn whatever bridges I need to when I come to them. :)

But life is full of ups and downs. When it descends again, can I bring myself back up? We'll see. I won't quit blogging and I'm sure there are still many koans to come, but none so heavy as the last few months.

Hooray.

Odes 1.11

Carpe diem. These two non-English words have lost their meaning to most people. Well, there are people out there who probably say it on a daily basis and those are the people I mean. They don't appreciate the idea of "seizing the day" as much as they should. I used to be one of them. A moment ago I said these two little words to myself and suddenly something made sense. It's that epiphanic feeling in your chest. I don't know what it means, but it must mean something. It could be the apex of much thought about my future. I have a plan and yet I have none. It's exactly what I want right now. I know what I need to do and I know that there is nothing I can do about the timeline in which it must happen. I just need to live it.

These blogs are monotonous, but they seem to be helping me open my eyes a little bit at a time. Each one expresses progress, even if the reader can't spot it.

Leuconoe, don't ask — it's a sin to know —
what end the gods will give me or you. Don't play with Babylonian
fortune-telling either. It is better to endure whatever will be.
Whether Jupiter has allotted to you many more winters or this final one
which even now wears out the Tyrrhenian sea on the rocks placed opposite
— be smart, drink your wine. Scale back your long hopes
to a short period. While we speak, envious time will have fled
Seize the day, trusting as little as possible in the future.

Shoyoroku - Case 71: Suigan's "Eyebrows"

There is a general theme of my life right now. I think it's because I have yet to master the practice past the idea, but am well on my way. It is personal responsibility. It's a simple idea, but difficult in practice sometimes. It is heavily influenced by choices we make on a daily basis and directly related to ego. How do we balance our ego with virtue? How does one act toward self preservation and not be snobby, vain, or selfish? Of course, it could be argued that these ideas are not inclusive of each. But the fact that we have to be responsible for ourselves and our actions still remains. I'm realizing that it is, to be cliché, a journey and not a destination. All of life is. Everything is a process. If there is an epiphany it's because you were oblivious to the process.

Anyway, on my front, I've decided to change my concentration from Anthropology and Art History to Art History and Public Administration with a minor in Anthropology. It's a big step for me because it means that I'm finally making a basic, broad career decision that I am comfortable with. The idea of it isn't what I like, I know that I would actually enjoy doing it and that's what matters. I'm very academic, but I love business and being bossy. Combining my love for the arts with my love for business is just perfect.

It's a new chapter in my life. It feels good.

Towards the end of summer, Suigan instructed the assembly, saying,
 "All summer I've preached to you, my brothers. Look here, are Suigan's
  eyebrows still there?"
Hofuku said,
 "The robber's heart is terrified!"
Chokei said,
 "They are well grown!"
Unmon said,
 "Barrier!"