Shoyoroku - Case 20: Jizo's "Most Intimate"

I've been alcohol free for over a week now.

My mind has played many tricks on me, but I have not succumbed to my "need" for a drink.

In this time I've been "planning" my future. I say "planning" because I can't see said future and, therefore, can't make an accurate prediction of how things will be. Instead, I've been laying out little goals for myself in order to achieve a larger goal. The larger goal is still somewhat vague, as it should be.

My goal is go to grad school. Where? I don't know? For what? Can't tell you for sure. When? That's an even bigger mystery. But I'm going to do it. I just don't know the details yet.

I want to travel more. I've taking little impromptu trips here and there recently. I'm taking one on Saturday. I almost bought a plane ticket yesterday. However, my better judgment kicked in as I am not made of money.

The point is that I'm engaging myself in the journey of this life and not sitting on my ass completely oblivious to it. I'm taking risks and it isn't so bad.

Jizo asked Hogen,
"Where are you going, senior monk?"
Hogen said,
"I am on pilgrimage, following the wind."
Jizo said,
"What are you on pilgrimage for?"
Hogen said,
"I don't know."
Jizo said,
"Non knowing is most intimate."
Hogen suddenly attained great enlightenment.

Shoyoroku - Case 82: Unmon's: "Voice" and "Color"

I've been planning an unbirthday party for myself these past few weeks. As a twenty-something living in a college town, I have never been drunk on my birthday. I've had a few drinks, even managed to have some fun here and there, but never had the experience of having someone carry me home from the bar. This is mostly because my birthday is mere days before Christmas and no one is ever around to help me celebrate. Because of this, I decided that I would invite all of my friends along with me sometime in July for a night of selfish and unhealthy debauchery. But that was before I did just that on Saturday night. It was this night that I decided to never drink again. Yes, we all say that after getting too drunk, but my entire body told me what my mind was already wise to: I'm slowly killing myself with alcohol. Any alcohol that was left in the house I got rid of. I won't be buying it anymore.

Unmon instructed the assembly and said,
"'To realize the way through hearing a voice, to enlighten the mind through
seeing color' -- Bodhisattva Avalokitesvara comes with some small change
and buys poor rice cakes. If he throws it away, he will get nice manju
cakes instead."

Shoyoroku - Case 67: The Wisdom in the Kegon Sutra

I started setting goals. This is a magnificent improvement from someone who wouldn't promise anyone anything more than two days in advance mere months ago.

My first goal is to pay off my tuition so I can go back to school. Once in school I have the remaining years of my undergrad program mapped out, along with what extracurricular activities I need so that when I apply to the five schools in the country that actually have my grad program, I'll feel confident that someone will accept me. This right now is my primary goal in life.

But how is it possible to achieve this goal in the mental state that I am in? Before I can do anything, I need to step outside of my comfort zone and get healthy. I am a bulimic alcoholic. These two diseases are beginning to define my life. If I ever want to move forward with my life and realize my ambitions, then I have to rid my mind of the delusions that have been holding me back for much too much of my existence.

This week I will tell myself every day that my body deserves better than what I put it through. I will not poison it in the search for the answers that I seek.


The Kegon Sutra says,
"Now I see all living beings everywhere, and I see that each of them
possesses the wisdom and virtue of Tathagata. But because of their
delusions and attachments, they cannot realize it."

A new day, a new life

I am entering a new stage in my life. I feel as though I have been asleep and am now awakening.

I created this blog to document the changes in my life that have been ever increasing in just the last year, but ever more so in the last month. Changes are ongoing, so will be this blog. My self-awareness is evolving and, hopefully, so will this blog with it.

The basic breakdown is that I am and have been a lost soul consumed by addictions and governed by delusions. I have died a thousand deaths and am finally ready to be reborn.

I spent time in my life thinking that I was enlightened in a non-Buddhist sense. I wasn't. I never will be, but I will continue on my journey to attain what enlightenment I can in this life. And you better believe I'll be blogging about it.

If you believe you are enlightened, you are actually a little bit crazy.
Taisen Deshimaru