A real epiphany

I was in bed last night thinking about the possibility of being with someone. What would it be like? I've had one relationship in my life. I was thinking about how I feel about just being intimate with someone again when it occurred to me that I have some serious trust issues, not unlike a rape victim. Am I equating myself to a rape victim? Yes and no. My ex-boyfriend did something to me emotionally that would be expected of someone who was forced to have sex against his or her will. There are even a few times that it could be argued that he did rape me, which is a very difficult thought, but it's true. I could never imagine ever having been violated in a violent way, but I can empathize with being violated. This sudden thought about my past nearly made me hysterical. I cried myself to sleep thinking about how it's not fair that I have ended up so emotionally screwed up, completely alone and afraid to trust anyone to even give me a hug, and him off about to get married, graduated from college with honors and having material possessions showered on him like never before. I came out of it a self-mutilating bulimic drunk and college dropout. He went on and was okay. It isn't fair. It never will be. I think what I must do is continue forward with my life. It's really, really hard. I've been repressing these feelings for a long time, but it's a good thing that I'm acknowledging that they exist because now I can deal with them properly. It wasn't until yesterday that I realized the affect he's had on me and I hope one day I can forget he even exists because he's not worth the space in my mind.